Archive for the ‘jokes’ Category

ITS NOT MY FAULT “WRONG” IS MOSTLY THE FUN ONE…????? ๐Ÿ˜‰

ย It’s been how I have been living my life and I assure you not without any hickups and its totally a life choice but something that has always stuck with me is this: I will rather regret the the choices I have made than regret the ones I never took in the 1st place!!!

You get what Im saying?? And please im not saying gamble ur life savings away or jump of a bridge. Im simply suggesting that you make time for a little bit of fun in your life… Now and again venture into the unfamiliar.. Switch things up… Try something diffent… Take chances even small ones…. cause maybe just maybe….. it could be fun….

So I know for freekazoids like me this comes with my morning coffee they just fill my head oh boy… but here’s a list of things to consider…. and when ur brave enough.. I WANT PICS……

 

* Condensed Milk/Caramel can in ur fridge???: eat it with ur finger….no spoon.. (yes lets start small) no one will know.

* Stick a poster on the rear end of ur partners car reading: He/she is getting laid tonight…

* Move the bed, turn it around

* Change or swop cds in your car with someone for a day/week. Make a cd for ur partner of a recording of a song u sang for them…

* Change date and time on someones cellphone (take caution)

* Advertise friends or bosses car in the classifieds for R10..

* Dance naked in the morning infront of the mirror to ur favourite song…

* Fetch the post dressed in a tutu or nothing….

* Phone someone you havent spoken to in a while randomely and say something nice and then hang up….

* Girls wear ur hair like princess Leila from Starwars to work

* Only pack sweets in ur lunchbox ย to work one day

* Jump on a bed

* Ask a complete stranger in the mall what their fav feel good song is…. try to get and listen to it…

* Be part of a flashmob

* Write a letter urself and post it to a colleague at work saying they did a good job last wednesday ur proud of them…

* Next time u have abit of money buy all the paperboys newspapers he have left with him

* Go yell from a rooftop or viewpoint or hill

* Dress silly to a braai just because

* Eat icecream for bfast

* Tell ur kids they get to be the parents for the entire day

* Take a picture of u and the random person next to u in churh on sunday

* Go give ur grade 1 teacher an apple or flowers on springday

* In a random meeting deliver ur best oscar speech, or leave a funny weekend pic in the powepoint presentation…

* On ur next 1st day at a new job… literally take a block of ice for them to break….

* Take an aunt or uncle to play arcade games

* Next 1st date: go to the national library and eat noisy packets of things….

* Buy an old person some cotton candy

* Plan a s.w.a.t team meeting to steal a sign or billboard

* Carry someone in their bed outside while sleeping and let them wake up there

* Next datenight camp outside in ur garden

* Take an unplanned trip

* At the next braai hang out in the kids circle

* Dress up as ur favourite super hero

 

Ok so I can carry on forever…. most importantly HAVE FUN AND BE DIFFRENT…. ITS OK!!!!

 

LOVIES……..

 

Date Night

Date Night

Yes yes I know it’s been a while but life just happens OK???? Between school, kids, work, Koeksister vereeniging at the Church, Bulletjie Rugby, unsuccessfully trying to lose weight, Games of Thrones, Grey’s, family get togethers and hanging on to those few friendships you still have left sex sadly ends up last in the periodic table…. if anyone ever wondered it should have been “Fc” in the table if you ask me?

So in the midst of all things couples grows apart from each other, the other day I heard this joke and it’s soooo very true, and since sharing is caring: ๐Ÿ™‚
{At a couples conference the speaker mentioned that couples are so disconnected that 85% of husbands don’t know their wives favourite flower. Koos turned to his wife and whispered: “Dis self-raising, ne?”}

OK so to make sure I don’t get “self-raising flowers” on my wedding anniversary this year I decided it a good idea to start with date nights.. (jip scary things happen when I start to think ) but im not complaining since I have been getting allot OTHER “self-raising” things since.. wink-wink….

getting ready

getting ready

So the idea is not to deplete you budget on jump ship or travel afar… it’s just to get that same old easy and fun communication going again, to talk to each other about each other…. NO TALK ABOUT KIDS!!! Dont start chatting and worrying about your kids colleague fund if he’s currently still learning to wipe he’s own bum….. this is your night…… This is time where you can sit on the loo without having the whole discussion about what happened in class today or how the brother stole the sisters candy again, or “he pulled my hair” this is to walk from the bathroom naked and get dressed right in front hubby’s tv view and pretend that you’re not doing anything different…. this is your ONE time to drink out of the bottle or your opportunity to leave the glass on the ground and not put it in the dishwasher…. this is the couples chillaxing time….. CHIL-LAX-ING…. GOT IT????
So in this post I’m going to give you a few idea’s what to do and also what NOT to do and maybe share a funny sex story that definitely qualifies in the what NOT to do category…

Kay lets start with things that’s NOT allowed, this way hopefully we can end up on a positive note and get you both excited and ready for your first DATE NIGHT!!!!

NOT TO DO ON DATE NIGHT: (DONT TRY THIS AT HOME KIDS)
– plan anything outside without thinking of the weather…
– preparation, preparation…..
– don’t think it will work once the kids are asleep (they like cyborgs they ALWAYS wake up at the wrong time)
– rather leave candle wax and ice cubes to the experts
– from personal experience if you decide to make use of a sensitizing erotic lube/spray make sure you read the label correctly and not use the toy cleansing spray..
100% pure alcohol spray burns seven living shits out of you…. ๐Ÿ™‚
– use the cuffs without keys (do not even ask)
– use satin/silk scarfs for bondage its difficult to explain to ur kids teacher why you have red marks on both wrists
– then the epic mistake please TEST hair removal products like they say on the labels (don’t use on genital areas)
– make sure all windows are closed (you don’t want a notice on your gate with a message “free porn”) btw I still don’t greet any of my neighbours
– when your wife maybe had too much wine during dinner and passes out when she hits the bed do not think to leave her to rest a bit and then in the middle of the
night try to suddenly wake her (serious injuries can occur)
– make absolutely sure your in laws is not planing a surprise visit (especially when they have keys to your house)
– with you and your partners weight the washing machine WILL NOT perform the rattles ans shakes you have in mind…. (major disappointment I know)

Ok so now that you have visuals about what NOT to do, here’s a few creative thoughts and ideas:
– stay at home movie & popcorn night ( guess the adds before the movie starts, garment needs to be removed for every wrong answer) and watch the rest of the movie
like that.
– strip poker & shooters
– naked cooking night (get each other sexy aprons and schedule naked cooking/baking evening
– take a glass jar and fill with ice cream sticks which have date ideas written on them, colour the sticks 3 colours (blue- cheap date idea, red – outing like movies
or dinner, and yellow- small things which doesn’t cost a thing) each date night take turns to pull one from the jar
– buy ice cream and watch the city lights or sundowners at a nice venue
– Game Night (unpack the PS or Wii and drink and play and laugh together)
– Wet and Wild (candles, bubblebath, champagne and massage each other afterwards)
– Ten pin bowling or Ice skating
– Go see a violin or pianist concert or poetry reading evening(something completely different)
– go to the driving range together (girls tie one of ur sexy gstrings to he’s “driver” without him seeing)
– Home Camp out: You donโ€™t have to spend any money to create a romantic atmosphere. Built a blanket fort, add some twinkly lights and blankets. And, spend the
night exchanging love letters, talking and falling in love all over again.
– Make it Puzzling ~ Write your date night question onto any type of board and then cut it out into puzzle pieces. When your date finds it, they can put it together
and enjoy the surprise.
– Try riding a one-person bike together!
– Play tourists in your own city, Pick a place neither of you have been and spend the afternoon exploring it. Continue the touristy theme by dining at a local hotspot
or the cuisine your city is famous for.
– go to the courthouse to watch a trial – freelive Law & Order!
– serve dinner at a homeless shelter
– visit Showhomes or Open Houses (you can roleplay and pretend you just met make up ur own stories)
– go to a playground…swing, slide, climb, laugh
– go to a pub to play pool or darts
– visit a winery or brewery

OK dudes and diva’s go out there and make mommy proud!!!!

I would love your feedback…

mwah.. xxx

date night ideas

date night ideas

Diet…. See its such a complex and delicate topic that before even starting to share my thoughts with you ….I just have to do a quick pit stop in the kitchen and grab that packet of Lays chips calling for me. (No judging ok?) So yes they clearly indicate the amounts of kilojoules and calories and fat content per packet goodness they go on and on to milli fat percentages in the crumbs left in packet! But naaaaahhh they never list the good stuff? For instance: Goof Stuff about chips is how while you write and eat chips its been clinically proven on some bubblegum wrapper to enhance creativity and boost grammatical abilities almost instantly!(nom-nom) I reckon the most fatty fats only hit my butt the next day anyway? Fatties are mos slow….. And by then I’ve climbed the stairs twice anyway… See…?? I see the packet of chips “half-full”!!!
Ok Ok …. I know somewhere a gymbunny or nutritionist reading my blog is practically having some coronary attack (isn’t it ironic?), I would just like to advise everyone to not try this at home. This is my humble opinion which probably don’t mean anything to them.. or anyone…But it’s my blog and I’ll write what I want to!

So lets just get on the same page here….I’m not saying eat untill they have to lift you with a crane? But why feel punished everyday? Just knowing your on a diet is alone standing such a small word but it will make a grown man cry lemme tell you that! I mean from out of the blocks you hit a depro smack down in the middle… and then when you’re SOOOOO excited you go divide your broccli and chickens into tiny little ziplock bags. Then… yes THEN only do I even start to remotely try to get my ass off the couch from drooling over a perfectly episode of Vampire Diaries.. to go wobble my little dribbly bits right in front of a boy who could have easily been playing Damon in Vampire Diaries and probably the world’s sexiest MILF in her perfectly fitted designer fitness outfit, fully glamorous and not ONE drop of perspiration on her entire body!!! I mean WHAT THE &%#@!!!!!
How in the world will I WANT to do that to myself 5 days a week??? (yes 5 days, I have limits!).

Here we go I’m just gonna come out with it: (serious deep throat cleansing happening now…ghe-uhm)
Hi……….. my name is Jeanette (insert a friendly “Hi Jeanette” greeting here).. and I like to eat WHAT I want WHEN I want. I happen to want to eat broccoli! ๐Ÿ˜€ hehehe
I reckon BALANCE is the only word to really try (its late, I understand) to try to remember from this blog post..
B-A-L-A-N-C-E — BHA-BA-BLACK-SHEEP.. (Now I’ve lost you again right?) I’m trying to say I don’t sit still and watch my ass grow? There’s allot better things, and “fun” things you can do that won’t even feel like excercise….??? (evil grin) Please refer to my tjommie’s contact detailsdown below (pardon the pun) for awesome “weights” and “cardio-tools” for AWESOME workouts!!!! You can thank me later!

See I’m a Rep on the Road (huh I’m a poet and I don’t even know it?) ๐Ÿ˜€ Actually now that I think about it, that would make a great country song: “I’m a rep on the long and winding road” Yes just thank your lucky stars you’re not here to listen to me sing it …..So back to my day job, most of the day we’re hardly in one position longer than 30minutes (no not THOSE positions).
We walk,run,climb,beg,kneel (see there I go again) our way through the day… The tips of my heel’s don’t get to see the end of the week my friend!
I wonder how many steps we give in a day? 24 days, 9 hours a day……I mean take that stepmaster! Suck on that you sexy bloke on that bike in the little glass room that goes nowhere…. On top of that we could easily substitute as one of those taxi’s in Mozambique (no i WASN’T about to say OVERWEIGHT !! “tht”) I mean we’re like back and forth “o grieve Im honestly not doing this on purpose” hehehe from your office to the customer. You grab the laptop, handbag (as good as any weights) the coolbox with the 12 apples and 4 bottles iced water? Heavy as hell. Oh and then the customers files… Its crazy…it’s excersice camouflaged in a commission slip!!! How clever is that????

Yes so the excercise gets done someway ok? and I don’t see those options to choose from in the online vitality health review??? Oh nooooo I’m 69 years old according to them because I don’t go to the “Virgin” club…..

Then I’d also like to hereby solemnly swear that I will NEVER…EVER… substitute my Bigmac for a chicken salad !!!!
I WILL not substitute my glass of red wine for water !!!!! (I hear some strong supporters in the crowd) and
I WILL finally fall down on the couch after a crappy day and perv over Damon!
See I can read minds, I know you might wonder why??? Do you want to know why????? (gimme an air punch)
……BEEEEEECAAAAAAUSE……..
A glass of water does NOT make me happy or sexy (depending on what side of the glass you are) after the 3rd glass!!!
nor
does it make me sleep like a little baby? NO water makes me pee right thru the night and after my 2litres per day I feel like a Willy Walter the Wobbly tank!!
Another thing: (I’m on a rollnow, not physicalyy rolling.. no :))
I do not feel healthier when I start exercising.. I feel like crap!! Sweaty,your legs wobble, you smell terrible and my entire face is blood-red!! Who started with that line?? Then the next day after an “amazing” workout yesterday the three sets of stairs I have to climb at work around 7 times a day is TORTURE on my already sore jello legs!
Sometime’s.. only SOMEtimes I will go for a run out in my not so lovely neighbourhood….only cause I know I HAVE to get back home…:D and then when I come back red-faced and on the verge of an asthma attack, yes then I do drink a whole bottle of cold water and not my usual glass of dry red wine…(Blah blah) Ok enough pep talk for one night…. for the under achievers I know its late and almost Friday so don’t worry this is a below average class and I’m just going to get on with it….
MAKE IT FUN, NAUGHTY, NICE, PROFITABLE EVEN… disguise the living shit out of it because if you don’t know it’s a DIET or EXCERCISE you can’t hate it!!!!!!!

Huh? huh? Not only a pretty face ne? I have a few extra brain cells lying around…. on the couch… perving…
Ok that’s all for now, class dismissed! If it’s quite alright with all of you I’ll go suck on lettuce leaf now ……

Ok Damon, you can stay behind for detention!

oh yes before I forget… drumroll…NOW FOR YOUR ONE STOP NAUGHTY BUT NICE VIRGIN EXCERCISE SHOP! Kindly Email Sam at pureromancebysam@gmail.co.za or 084 885 3725.. and if you call NOW??????? ๐Ÿ˜€ For any and all sorts of exercise “tools” you require. You name it ! She’ll help you.. no no assist wherever she can.. agh bullocks… you can order anything from her! K?
(brochure to follow soon, she’s currently drinking in a bar ok?)