Archive for the ‘relationships’ Category

ITS NOT MY FAULT “WRONG” IS MOSTLY THE FUN ONE…????? πŸ˜‰

Β It’s been how I have been living my life and I assure you not without any hickups and its totally a life choice but something that has always stuck with me is this: I will rather regret the the choices I have made than regret the ones I never took in the 1st place!!!

You get what Im saying?? And please im not saying gamble ur life savings away or jump of a bridge. Im simply suggesting that you make time for a little bit of fun in your life… Now and again venture into the unfamiliar.. Switch things up… Try something diffent… Take chances even small ones…. cause maybe just maybe….. it could be fun….

So I know for freekazoids like me this comes with my morning coffee they just fill my head oh boy… but here’s a list of things to consider…. and when ur brave enough.. I WANT PICS……

 

* Condensed Milk/Caramel can in ur fridge???: eat it with ur finger….no spoon.. (yes lets start small) no one will know.

* Stick a poster on the rear end of ur partners car reading: He/she is getting laid tonight…

* Move the bed, turn it around

* Change or swop cds in your car with someone for a day/week. Make a cd for ur partner of a recording of a song u sang for them…

* Change date and time on someones cellphone (take caution)

* Advertise friends or bosses car in the classifieds for R10..

* Dance naked in the morning infront of the mirror to ur favourite song…

* Fetch the post dressed in a tutu or nothing….

* Phone someone you havent spoken to in a while randomely and say something nice and then hang up….

* Girls wear ur hair like princess Leila from Starwars to work

* Only pack sweets in ur lunchbox Β to work one day

* Jump on a bed

* Ask a complete stranger in the mall what their fav feel good song is…. try to get and listen to it…

* Be part of a flashmob

* Write a letter urself and post it to a colleague at work saying they did a good job last wednesday ur proud of them…

* Next time u have abit of money buy all the paperboys newspapers he have left with him

* Go yell from a rooftop or viewpoint or hill

* Dress silly to a braai just because

* Eat icecream for bfast

* Tell ur kids they get to be the parents for the entire day

* Take a picture of u and the random person next to u in churh on sunday

* Go give ur grade 1 teacher an apple or flowers on springday

* In a random meeting deliver ur best oscar speech, or leave a funny weekend pic in the powepoint presentation…

* On ur next 1st day at a new job… literally take a block of ice for them to break….

* Take an aunt or uncle to play arcade games

* Next 1st date: go to the national library and eat noisy packets of things….

* Buy an old person some cotton candy

* Plan a s.w.a.t team meeting to steal a sign or billboard

* Carry someone in their bed outside while sleeping and let them wake up there

* Next datenight camp outside in ur garden

* Take an unplanned trip

* At the next braai hang out in the kids circle

* Dress up as ur favourite super hero

 

Ok so I can carry on forever…. most importantly HAVE FUN AND BE DIFFRENT…. ITS OK!!!!

 

LOVIES……..

 

Ok so this post has a PARENTAL GUIDANCE (or maybe rather not) but it surely covers all the SNLV there is to blog about I’m sure so let me start of with a very serious warning – IF YOU KNOW me well (or think you do) OR your My BOSS or YOUR RELATED to me… STOP reading now !! Go make some tea and read the Huisgenoot! Because reading this MIGHT change our facebook relationship status I’m SURE…

Ok I warned you haven’t I? ….

Ok so let’s do this kids… πŸ™‚ I have recently came to the acquaintance to the naked shaved penis!! I know some of you are going “huh?” and some maybe “shame” …. But I’m an afikaanse boere chick and we usually take our boerewors the way we get it ok?? No complaints! We just shut up and take it ok? But it wasn’t until recently that I came to meet (pardon the pun) the more “efficient” version of this tool…ok so I’ve upgraded! πŸ˜‰ Listen so there’s evidently a huge difference between being f#cked and being F#CKED into oblivion….

If you haven’t tried this before please take my word for it, and DO TRY THIS AT HOME (evil grin) – but try it this way…
Step 1:Both you and you’re partner shave it, wax it, plug it but get those AREAS sorted! Make it soft like a baby’s bottom…
Step2: don’t shag!!! Yet….
Step3: wait for it……
Step4: ok soo when those tiny little hairs start growing back and its that thick hard prickly sticky hairs start scratching those tail feathers???
THEN you DO it wham bam thankyou, thank YOU noooo thank YOU!! M-A-M!!!

Ok don’t judge it until you’ve tried it Dildo!!

Yes dearies you can thank me later, but be prepared! It’s ROUGH!!

And there you have it….
“f#cked into oblivion” !!

PS: Oh yes, this isn’t directed at sensitive readers..

Love you kids!!

Date Night

Date Night

Yes yes I know it’s been a while but life just happens OK???? Between school, kids, work, Koeksister vereeniging at the Church, Bulletjie Rugby, unsuccessfully trying to lose weight, Games of Thrones, Grey’s, family get togethers and hanging on to those few friendships you still have left sex sadly ends up last in the periodic table…. if anyone ever wondered it should have been “Fc” in the table if you ask me?

So in the midst of all things couples grows apart from each other, the other day I heard this joke and it’s soooo very true, and since sharing is caring: πŸ™‚
{At a couples conference the speaker mentioned that couples are so disconnected that 85% of husbands don’t know their wives favourite flower. Koos turned to his wife and whispered: “Dis self-raising, ne?”}

OK so to make sure I don’t get “self-raising flowers” on my wedding anniversary this year I decided it a good idea to start with date nights.. (jip scary things happen when I start to think ) but im not complaining since I have been getting allot OTHER “self-raising” things since.. wink-wink….

getting ready

getting ready

So the idea is not to deplete you budget on jump ship or travel afar… it’s just to get that same old easy and fun communication going again, to talk to each other about each other…. NO TALK ABOUT KIDS!!! Dont start chatting and worrying about your kids colleague fund if he’s currently still learning to wipe he’s own bum….. this is your night…… This is time where you can sit on the loo without having the whole discussion about what happened in class today or how the brother stole the sisters candy again, or “he pulled my hair” this is to walk from the bathroom naked and get dressed right in front hubby’s tv view and pretend that you’re not doing anything different…. this is your ONE time to drink out of the bottle or your opportunity to leave the glass on the ground and not put it in the dishwasher…. this is the couples chillaxing time….. CHIL-LAX-ING…. GOT IT????
So in this post I’m going to give you a few idea’s what to do and also what NOT to do and maybe share a funny sex story that definitely qualifies in the what NOT to do category…

Kay lets start with things that’s NOT allowed, this way hopefully we can end up on a positive note and get you both excited and ready for your first DATE NIGHT!!!!

NOT TO DO ON DATE NIGHT: (DONT TRY THIS AT HOME KIDS)
– plan anything outside without thinking of the weather…
– preparation, preparation…..
– don’t think it will work once the kids are asleep (they like cyborgs they ALWAYS wake up at the wrong time)
– rather leave candle wax and ice cubes to the experts
– from personal experience if you decide to make use of a sensitizing erotic lube/spray make sure you read the label correctly and not use the toy cleansing spray..
100% pure alcohol spray burns seven living shits out of you…. πŸ™‚
– use the cuffs without keys (do not even ask)
– use satin/silk scarfs for bondage its difficult to explain to ur kids teacher why you have red marks on both wrists
– then the epic mistake please TEST hair removal products like they say on the labels (don’t use on genital areas)
– make sure all windows are closed (you don’t want a notice on your gate with a message “free porn”) btw I still don’t greet any of my neighbours
– when your wife maybe had too much wine during dinner and passes out when she hits the bed do not think to leave her to rest a bit and then in the middle of the
night try to suddenly wake her (serious injuries can occur)
– make absolutely sure your in laws is not planing a surprise visit (especially when they have keys to your house)
– with you and your partners weight the washing machine WILL NOT perform the rattles ans shakes you have in mind…. (major disappointment I know)

Ok so now that you have visuals about what NOT to do, here’s a few creative thoughts and ideas:
– stay at home movie & popcorn night ( guess the adds before the movie starts, garment needs to be removed for every wrong answer) and watch the rest of the movie
like that.
– strip poker & shooters
– naked cooking night (get each other sexy aprons and schedule naked cooking/baking evening
– take a glass jar and fill with ice cream sticks which have date ideas written on them, colour the sticks 3 colours (blue- cheap date idea, red – outing like movies
or dinner, and yellow- small things which doesn’t cost a thing) each date night take turns to pull one from the jar
– buy ice cream and watch the city lights or sundowners at a nice venue
– Game Night (unpack the PS or Wii and drink and play and laugh together)
– Wet and Wild (candles, bubblebath, champagne and massage each other afterwards)
– Ten pin bowling or Ice skating
– Go see a violin or pianist concert or poetry reading evening(something completely different)
– go to the driving range together (girls tie one of ur sexy gstrings to he’s “driver” without him seeing)
– Home Camp out: You don’t have to spend any money to create a romantic atmosphere. Built a blanket fort, add some twinkly lights and blankets. And, spend the
night exchanging love letters, talking and falling in love all over again.
– Make it Puzzling ~ Write your date night question onto any type of board and then cut it out into puzzle pieces. When your date finds it, they can put it together
and enjoy the surprise.
– Try riding a one-person bike together!
– Play tourists in your own city, Pick a place neither of you have been and spend the afternoon exploring it. Continue the touristy theme by dining at a local hotspot
or the cuisine your city is famous for.
– go to the courthouse to watch a trial – freelive Law & Order!
– serve dinner at a homeless shelter
– visit Showhomes or Open Houses (you can roleplay and pretend you just met make up ur own stories)
– go to a playground…swing, slide, climb, laugh
– go to a pub to play pool or darts
– visit a winery or brewery

OK dudes and diva’s go out there and make mommy proud!!!!

I would love your feedback…

mwah.. xxx

date night ideas

date night ideas

To Be a Mom…

Posted: June 19, 2012 in happy, kids, love, relationships, women
Tags: ,

I had one of those restless nights and went down to make a cup of tea (yes for yourself it’s not as if the Fairy-God mother owes you anything?) You’ve successfully single-handed managed a full corporate day, kids activities done, fed your family,kids to bed, attended to dads needs and long last got yourself to bed… Oh no Cinderella the fun isn’t over yet… Now you wait timeously for the 2 or 3 occurrences where you have to jump out of bed to re-assure and tuck the little ones back to bed.

Its my 3rd time down the stairs and I pull the blankets back over the boys when I notice the two journals on the bookshelf. It’s the diaries I kept for both the boys during the whole 9 months of my pregnancy with each of them (wait for it.) A year apart. I open my first born’s journal 1st and start reading…. 1st the excitement, the spreading of the news, the dread full announcement to your Boss, the million different advises and quick cures for a million things that could go wrong, the downs tests, the exhilarating appointment at the gynie announcing the baby’s sex. Then follow the names, family drama about the names and thereafter mostly family drama about everything. In between you also deliberately mention the fathers lack of let’s say EVERYTHING? πŸ˜‰

As time passes the entries are shorter, more in debt explanations of the degree of back pain and muscles aches you or nobody for that matter even knew existed!

After that you’ll mostly find 4 sentences begging this unborn child to lock open the door in step the f@ck out!! – this carry on for a while and some of these pages gets torn out later.

Ooohhh then comes the sunday drives on gravel roads, drinking of god forbidden oils and teas. Jacuzzi’s and anything you’ve ever heard about inducing labour. The sweet loving wife you’ve met 4yrs ago disappear into thin air and your left with an angry vessel with a wicked mission to deliver the parcel….NOW!!

Then FINALLY….All hell breaks loose, your stuck in 5 o clock traffic to the hospital, the nurse (who delivered 7000 babies and thinks she’s your doctor) tells you the foooking death cramps you’re having is NOT labour and you’re not even close to pushing. Then she thinks its best NOT give you painkillers since this makes the baby lazy (how do like them apples) after you’ve broken every bone or finger in your husband’s hand he convince her to give you gas… gas bottle??? empty!!!!! ok so let’s go for an intravenous painkiller and all of a f@ck you don’t have ANY veins in your body they can get a needle into….. If ever a miracle happens it’s then….. you see your doctor, you hug and kiss him and start to cry like a baby yourself!!! You recite parts of the bible you haven’t even seen in your life! Followed by some swear words .. Big ugly srceamy ones!!

Ok so I deliberately skipped a few entries and then quickly opened on he last page… Ahhhhhh neat concise handwriting smiling all over the page explaining the magical birth of a child…you read the part where you touch and hold that precious gift in your arms and you never wanna let go… Something happens there that only a mom can feel… And there and then u feel it, and its so special you feel your heart warming up and fill all the space in your chest… I close the book, sit on the bed next to these precious gifts from God, and I cry and cry and cry….. Cause its magic…….

Ok so I know I originally said that I’ll only write/blog when I’m inspired….. (yeah well that didn’t happen?) πŸ™‚ What I mean is, in the current rat race we call our life we hardly have any time or strength left at the end of the day for a minute of silence, a glass of red wine on the patio or just a second to pause. I mean I for one, has been inflicting the ” 8 ‘o clock go to bed rule” like a tyrant upon my 3 & 4 year old boys. If only they knew it wasn’t my motherly concern about their sleep but rather about MY 8’o clock curfew! I mean im dead at the end of the day, and when you get into bed you run through a million things in your mind that you havent had time for? Things like sticking to your 10 tweets a day target, replying all my mails,what’s for dinner, drop my shoe’s for new heels, phone my mother in law (ok ok you’re right that one usually slip my mind). I mean where the hell will I stumble on an inspired topic to blog about tonight!!

So that’s how I end up on a Friday night while lying on my bed (not too comfy to type like this I’ll tell you), listening to the rain suddenly have this brain wave (yes I do have a brain) to think about something to write about……

Since the best stories (well my bests) start with “this one time at band camp” I decided why the hell not?? Truth is I have some weird, exciting, funny, crazy, wild and hilarious stories to tell. I’ve had a rollercoaster life so far and can’t wait for what’s still to come….. and the things that happened to me only like happen in hollywood movies thus I’ve decided to share them with you.

Ok so hold on to your horses (serias who came up with this phrase, Desperado?) So you must have noticed that I’m not exactly scared to talk about sex πŸ™‚ One of my highschool mates wrote on my Facebook wall (I mean soooooo last year) and asked if I’m obsessed with sex? Well Marius since I am at least getting some action I’ll probably talk about it…. this ones for you!

Ok close your eyes and become the character (whooosaaaabaaaa). 3rd year Psychology student, already acquainted all the chickens who religiously attends ALL the classes and take spiderweb notes (in different colours, WITH post-its), in her 1st semester. Now if you did study at Tuks you’ll know that round about now it’s Tuks Jool going down together with the film festival in the auditorium, I mean who organised this and actually thought that students will have time for classes too??? Duhh…. The best part is that as soon as you recover from passing out in a co-student’s tent which you off course don’t know from a bar of soap during Jool at LC de Villiers, varsity hits back with final 1st semester exams right in your face!! Varsity 1, student 0.

So you rush to the last and only Psych lecture before writing exams. The lecturer off course single’s you out and mentioned that he’s sure this is a new face, and whilst doing you’re best Egoli acting to proof him wrong you and him both knows this is the first class you are actually bothering to attend. So after 2hours of daydream in the class he finally announce that there would be two additional tutor sessions held on Tuesday and Thursday evening at 7 ‘o clock to go through the work that would be covered in the exams. Bingo! this is what I’ve been waiting for, if you attend those two, Bobs you’re uncle and you’ll get through the exam.

Soooo don’t know about you but seven ‘o clock kinda equals beer ‘o clock, and since you’re last class ends at 4 ‘o clock you go sit and drink in the local pub untill 18:55 and then struts into the class last, smelling like your local brewery and an attitude of note proudly wearing youre smartypants.

The tutor was a lecturer from Wits helping out. Well helooooo teacher! Yummy, that Richard Gere thing working perfectly for him and finally I thank Tuks for giving back to the students at last! If you’re only like 7 people in a “moerse” auditorium the lecturer kinda pays special attention to you, don’t know why????? πŸ™‚ So on a very casual note we get to know one another and just chat for a bit. This is when the stud muffin Psych lecturer asks if anyone of us knows of a dancing school nearby since him and he’s wife wants to take some Ballroom classes. I mean not only was I blessed with a drop dead gorgeous teacher but he wants to dance and since I had been using my hard-earned money from teaching Ballroom and Latin American classes every night from 17:00 to 22:00 to pay for my education, I bluntly announced that I teach Ballroom and would gladly come out to give them a private lesson at their home (for double the price off course). Ok I assume the beers did wonders for my self-confidence at that time.
To cut to the chase we agreed that after Thursday’s class we’ll do the 1st lesson.

Ok so you do pay attention to what you wear on an occasion like this and I must say I cleaned up pretty well back then. Class started and I noticed that certain grins were either definitely being directed to me, or the empty chair behind me. I wasn’t sure but these grins held a certain “mysteriousness” (if that’s even a word) to them and it kinda did break my focus and caused all kind off chemical imbalances. After class I waited for everyone to leave and then calmly approached gorgeous Richard Gere for the plan of action. Since he wanted to pick up some chinese take-aways for us all he gave me the address to meet up with he’s already awaiting wife and said he’ll see us soon.

Finally stopped in front of the gates of a three-story mansion and drove up the driveway straight into the garage where a gorgeous short athletic blond were awaiting me. Big blue eyes you can swim in with feisty spiky blond short hair and a warm enough smile to melt the polar icecaps, or maybe that was just me. First things first we got some wine and started going through the CD collection to see what songs we can use to practice on, and I’ve never been soo comfortable in what could have been a very uncomfortable situation. We chatted like old friends, and joked around and it was when lying on the ground laughing I suddenly felt her fingers slowly coming up my thigh and started caressing every part of my body, and then we kissed….. it was amazing being with someone sharing the same emotions and desires, a female counterpart who knew exactly what to do and when. After about an hour Sir Richard appeared and didn’t exactly wait for an invite to join us. After hours of pure pleasure and passion I had my first picture perfect threesome, NEVER to be forgotten!!

Huh? Huh I told you ? BTW I soooo nailed (pardon the pun) that exam !!!

Ok so im curious…. I know, its a very scary thought to have me on the loose… curious and all (hehehe)

But its all really the RWC’s fault…. Se-Ri-As!!! I mean, besides drooling at the boys in they’re wet shirts and muscled bodies (1st secret reveilled: we dont watch the game, we look at the stunning men) πŸ™‚ anyway in between this I managed to hear the very famous number calling in the Line Out….. which got me curious…. Are their some secret code or unspoken tradition that gives meaning to the numbers??? For Instance 3 – 8 – 1 (is actually the number of times the guys scored this month) or the combination to he’s minnibar in the Hotel… oeh oeh or the room number in the hotel where the sexy chick will be waiting????

huh…. huh….? I mean don’t you ever wonder about these things? I sometimes wonder about when big mates phone each other and immediately asks “drinks at Ben’s House tonight?” not “Hi, how are you, warra warra” an immediate “drinks at Ben’s House tonight?”…. so maybe that is like the code sentence for telling everyone to be at Teaser’s tonight at 8??? I don’t know…

Common now, stay anonymous if you like, but please help me out here! If you know about anything similar….. speak now or forever hold your peace…..

Common girls….??? Anything from the fair side?

Please people, let make this an interactive one!!!

whoop whoop…..

Ok so if you guys can recall I said a while ago that I’ll only write/blog when Im “inspired” to do so…and what I am about to say now may affend some sensitive readers and some girls still living in denial.(If you fall into any of these categories, please go make some tea and water the plants rather). Now, this little piggy woke up this morning and shared a remarkable similarity often present in the male species, I almost wanna say life altering experience people? Ok and No I didn’t wake up and fart (and with fart I mean more like refilling the gas chamber untill your partner has no other choice but to leave the room) and then still charmingly continued to scratch my balls and patt my penis for good behaviour….. Nooooooooo for a brief second (second that felt like a lifetime) I woke up (yes, I openend my eyes and thought immediately about SEX!) Not flowers, and candles that led toward sex, oh no, a one track channel hacking into a morning porn server…. I MEAN REALLY????

At first its overwhelming and confusing, you feel drunk…. and after you ruled out the possibilities for causing this strange sensation you keep on comming back to the porn! I had my first cup of coffee with the hopes that coffee will be bad for sexual frustration but NOOOOOO, nothings gonna get through this sucker! Then in the hallway you slid past your partner, at this stage looking as hidious as ever with his hands in he’s pants hardly focussing while mumbling something about you stealing he’s pillow…. and whoossshhh Nothing! In my mind I heard him saying i look raveshing and the deep sleepy look turned into a sexy tiger like ppuurrrrrrrr…… I felt drugged …..

But the more I tried to fight it, the worst it got… I tried to focus on catholic school boys (huge mistake) and started reciting the life cycle of the lipidoptera, but it was like a dark force consuming my thoughts….

Im sure the boys will agree….. that usually on this day…. your partner would be in the least possible mood to tolerate this dark lust intentions…… its like they have woken up on a different planet… and ooohhh dont even try to mention this feelings, it has devastating after effects…. you”ll get eaten alive! First you get the “look” the WTF “look” that is; and then in a remarkable 2 seconds there-after they switch on the polar caps and hit you with an icy cold “go fuck yourself”…..

Im a Venus inhibitor….. and this morning I woke up in flippen Mars!!!

From there everything goes south….. sour….. ok it went a little bitchy as well and all because I didn’t get sex… Like a kid wanting candy I blew up my cheecks and deliberately caused kak all around…. even strange unfamiliar people suffered throughout the day, standing next to me with that “I got it all this morning smirks” gghhmmppfff!!! Get out of my way!!!

I must say after this experience a SUDDEN HUGE FEELING OF REMORSE DOWNED UPON ME…. my heart started aching at the thought of knowing that atleast 60% of all males wakes up like this EVERY MORNING!!! BOYS….Im so sorry !!! It must be a living hell…. and after a day like this I completely give you permission to stare at my boobs rather than looking in my eyes…. your welcome to slap my ass and Im starting a porn magazine collection in the coffee lounge at work from next week on…..

Girls lets spare a minute and bow our heads in respect….. lets try and be a bit more supportive…For starters if you see that look in their eyes? Dont come walking past in your sexiest lingerie? COVER UP! Go dress in the kids room if you must! Trust me when I say; you DONT want to be in their position daily… I was THIS close to insanity… It took an extreme shopping spree and a quick “eat,pray,love” session to get myself back to normal again…..

Sho! hectic man…… MEN? I feel your pain…..My only advice to all you out there would be…. make the effort, do the wine and dine and gifts man…. and get laid….

πŸ˜€ good luck

Down and Dirty

Posted: July 18, 2011 in funny, psychology, relationships

Ok so this is not Sex Ed for those of you with nasty minds…(oh and don’t you dare to blink twice, I know ur out there) this post is going to get uuuuugggggly! So in other words we are going to cut to the chase, cut the crap and get down with it…. focus kids focus…. By the end of this post I just need you to answer Yes or No…. (and btw it would help if you do that in the comments section speech bubble top righthandside – building some stats ppl) Ok see this as your confession booth and off course this is anonymous and sacret, see me as your catholic priest.. only with boobs and a tight butt underneath the robe/cloak or whatever they call it (and I know now it seems impossible to stay serious again but try my child). No matter how awesome and great life is, we are faced with serious decisions and if you havent noticed yet decisions is the mother of all fuckups…. So without getting soppy or all psychology like…. I want you to think of the one decision that’s currently causing you heart palpitations, headaches, insomnia, hemorrhoids or what the fuck eva….. (ok this is where you actually think………………) seriously think about it and make it! YES or NO! Are you going for it, YES or NO? Are you scared to try it, YES or NO? Is it worth it, YES or NO. Are you afraid, YES or NO. Does it hurt, YES or NO? Are you letting go, YES or NO? Are you fighting for it,YES or NO?

I don’t care what the answer is….. what I care about is you NOT lying to yourself…. so what’s it going to be?

YES ……… or NO ………….?