Archive for the ‘Sales’ Category

Diet…. See its such a complex and delicate topic that before even starting to share my thoughts with you ….I just have to do a quick pit stop in the kitchen and grab that packet of Lays chips calling for me. (No judging ok?) So yes they clearly indicate the amounts of kilojoules and calories and fat content per packet goodness they go on and on to milli fat percentages in the crumbs left in packet! But naaaaahhh they never list the good stuff? For instance: Goof Stuff about chips is how while you write and eat chips its been clinically proven on some bubblegum wrapper to enhance creativity and boost grammatical abilities almost instantly!(nom-nom) I reckon the most fatty fats only hit my butt the next day anyway? Fatties are mos slow….. And by then I’ve climbed the stairs twice anyway… See…?? I see the packet of chips “half-full”!!!
Ok Ok …. I know somewhere a gymbunny or nutritionist reading my blog is practically having some coronary attack (isn’t it ironic?), I would just like to advise everyone to not try this at home. This is my humble opinion which probably don’t mean anything to them.. or anyone…But it’s my blog and I’ll write what I want to!

So lets just get on the same page here….I’m not saying eat untill they have to lift you with a crane? But why feel punished everyday? Just knowing your on a diet is alone standing such a small word but it will make a grown man cry lemme tell you that! I mean from out of the blocks you hit a depro smack down in the middle… and then when you’re SOOOOO excited you go divide your broccli and chickens into tiny little ziplock bags. Then… yes THEN only do I even start to remotely try to get my ass off the couch from drooling over a perfectly episode of Vampire Diaries.. to go wobble my little dribbly bits right in front of a boy who could have easily been playing Damon in Vampire Diaries and probably the world’s sexiest MILF in her perfectly fitted designer fitness outfit, fully glamorous and not ONE drop of perspiration on her entire body!!! I mean WHAT THE &%#@!!!!!
How in the world will I WANT to do that to myself 5 days a week??? (yes 5 days, I have limits!).

Here we go I’m just gonna come out with it: (serious deep throat cleansing happening now…ghe-uhm)
Hi……….. my name is Jeanette (insert a friendly “Hi Jeanette” greeting here).. and I like to eat WHAT I want WHEN I want. I happen to want to eat broccoli! 😀 hehehe
I reckon BALANCE is the only word to really try (its late, I understand) to try to remember from this blog post..
B-A-L-A-N-C-E — BHA-BA-BLACK-SHEEP.. (Now I’ve lost you again right?) I’m trying to say I don’t sit still and watch my ass grow? There’s allot better things, and “fun” things you can do that won’t even feel like excercise….??? (evil grin) Please refer to my tjommie’s contact detailsdown below (pardon the pun) for awesome “weights” and “cardio-tools” for AWESOME workouts!!!! You can thank me later!

See I’m a Rep on the Road (huh I’m a poet and I don’t even know it?) 😀 Actually now that I think about it, that would make a great country song: “I’m a rep on the long and winding road” Yes just thank your lucky stars you’re not here to listen to me sing it …..So back to my day job, most of the day we’re hardly in one position longer than 30minutes (no not THOSE positions).
We walk,run,climb,beg,kneel (see there I go again) our way through the day… The tips of my heel’s don’t get to see the end of the week my friend!
I wonder how many steps we give in a day? 24 days, 9 hours a day……I mean take that stepmaster! Suck on that you sexy bloke on that bike in the little glass room that goes nowhere…. On top of that we could easily substitute as one of those taxi’s in Mozambique (no i WASN’T about to say OVERWEIGHT !! “tht”) I mean we’re like back and forth “o grieve Im honestly not doing this on purpose” hehehe from your office to the customer. You grab the laptop, handbag (as good as any weights) the coolbox with the 12 apples and 4 bottles iced water? Heavy as hell. Oh and then the customers files… Its crazy…it’s excersice camouflaged in a commission slip!!! How clever is that????

Yes so the excercise gets done someway ok? and I don’t see those options to choose from in the online vitality health review??? Oh nooooo I’m 69 years old according to them because I don’t go to the “Virgin” club…..

Then I’d also like to hereby solemnly swear that I will NEVER…EVER… substitute my Bigmac for a chicken salad !!!!
I WILL not substitute my glass of red wine for water !!!!! (I hear some strong supporters in the crowd) and
I WILL finally fall down on the couch after a crappy day and perv over Damon!
See I can read minds, I know you might wonder why??? Do you want to know why????? (gimme an air punch)
……BEEEEEECAAAAAAUSE……..
A glass of water does NOT make me happy or sexy (depending on what side of the glass you are) after the 3rd glass!!!
nor
does it make me sleep like a little baby? NO water makes me pee right thru the night and after my 2litres per day I feel like a Willy Walter the Wobbly tank!!
Another thing: (I’m on a rollnow, not physicalyy rolling.. no :))
I do not feel healthier when I start exercising.. I feel like crap!! Sweaty,your legs wobble, you smell terrible and my entire face is blood-red!! Who started with that line?? Then the next day after an “amazing” workout yesterday the three sets of stairs I have to climb at work around 7 times a day is TORTURE on my already sore jello legs!
Sometime’s.. only SOMEtimes I will go for a run out in my not so lovely neighbourhood….only cause I know I HAVE to get back home…:D and then when I come back red-faced and on the verge of an asthma attack, yes then I do drink a whole bottle of cold water and not my usual glass of dry red wine…(Blah blah) Ok enough pep talk for one night…. for the under achievers I know its late and almost Friday so don’t worry this is a below average class and I’m just going to get on with it….
MAKE IT FUN, NAUGHTY, NICE, PROFITABLE EVEN… disguise the living shit out of it because if you don’t know it’s a DIET or EXCERCISE you can’t hate it!!!!!!!

Huh? huh? Not only a pretty face ne? I have a few extra brain cells lying around…. on the couch… perving…
Ok that’s all for now, class dismissed! If it’s quite alright with all of you I’ll go suck on lettuce leaf now ……

Ok Damon, you can stay behind for detention!

oh yes before I forget… drumroll…NOW FOR YOUR ONE STOP NAUGHTY BUT NICE VIRGIN EXCERCISE SHOP! Kindly Email Sam at pureromancebysam@gmail.co.za or 084 885 3725.. and if you call NOW??????? 😀 For any and all sorts of exercise “tools” you require. You name it ! She’ll help you.. no no assist wherever she can.. agh bullocks… you can order anything from her! K?
(brochure to follow soon, she’s currently drinking in a bar ok?)

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K so I let’s share most embarrassing moments shall we? Hence all the crazy voices living together in my mind its easy to assume that professionally (this will be ironic when you read the rest of my post) I’m employed as a highly motivated Sales Rep or as my company refer to me a ” Key Accounts Executive”! Sounds imported hey?? (I mean ImporTANT)…

Anyhow… One day long long ago when I still had my dignity left… I drove out to the remote area of “farmville” otherwise known as Rustenburg for a meeting! Luckily not visiting a farmer although I’m sure that would have been easier! The company I represent… let’s just say we have a glorious friendly smile reputation and our uniform enhance our best features even in the worst days ever.. ( ok get hooters out of your mind… However they do play a small part in this story) anyway think professional smart sophisticated exeterraaaaa people!!

The meeting is also with a rather large proportional business in the district and I was rather nervous since I only recently started with the company and so desperately needed my big “break”…. So I have my power undies on,steel frame glasses resting on my nose, did the whole breathalyzer test,new lipstick, splash of Eau de perfume, and whallah… ready to go make millions…..Now people this isn’t it ok?No no no a sales rep do much more than this to prepare my friends….. I mean even before this like I said the previous night you’ve already laid out the sexy power lingerie, it is off course a non party night cause you can’t effort baggy eyes and beer burps???? It’s early to bed, its a morning run to get the blood flow pumping, its fresh teeth (I know this is a given everyday but still worth mentioning), its listening to your motivational prep talk before you leave the office… In this case it was listening to my favourite “langpad treffers” all the way to Rustenburg its psychological warfare its hostile takeover kind off shit ok???? Do you read me????
(So the next time a rep come visit you, I surely hope you’ve considered the above mentioned ritual and at least appreciates the effort)

Ok so finally we’re ready and all systems GO! First mission to make the “break-thru” with the PA… the horrible, company controlling firewall!!!! I mean if I’ve tried to give her a bigger smile it would have probably went right around my face!!! You need to find the pictures of her kids and get right in there with the small talk and soccer mom shit… It’s about noticing the little dolphin on top of her BIC pen and immediately talk about your swimming with the dolphin’s life changing experience… have you actually swam with the dolphins??? who cares??? You gotta become her best friend in like minus 2 seconds!!!!! This is a deal breaker and I did gr8! I was practically invited to her son’s science fare for god sake…. So in I go… No no no no not in the Boss’s office, the boardroom…….

I get chills just thinking about it….. Those long hard..cold boardroom tables….. squeaky chairs……. aerial pictures of the company building… the silver plaque on the wall ” family enterprise since 1948″….. no one to speak to, nothing….just the cold harshness of that boardroom. A boardroom can destroy the best sales rep out there let me tell you that! The only thing the power undies helps for there is… probably the durability I’d say……. So in my case I try to conquer the brutal coldness of the boardroom, I shift my papers nicely together, I swallow my gum and clear my throat…. I lift my skirt and just re-align the stockings (don’t ask questions), I tuck in my shirt, I went straight in there to the twins and lifted them up sisters!!! and that is when it happened………… just there I made the biggest mistake of my life…….. that moment there is the moment I’ll remember for the rest of my sales repping LIFE!!!………..

The PA…my friend…. quickly pops in to give me the a last thumbs up and a hug and tell me, the Boss is ready for me. He will see me in he’s office….. A huge relief falls over me cause at least I don’t have the cold impersonal brutality of the boardroom to content with anymore….. I follow her down the corridor, she opens a big wooden door leading me into the MD’s office, where he is situated right behind he’s desk accompanied by the Financial Director and the Ops manager to whom I’m soon to be introduced and the warmth of their smiles and their pleased attitude’s amuse me from the word go…. and that’s when I saw it…

a huge HD monitor sub-divided into squares, each showing the live feed pictures of the different camera’s installed in each room of the company….I immediately recognise the first square……. THE F#@KING BOARDROOM!!!!!!!

yes …. they sat around that table and saw how I re-aligned my pantyhose, how I moved my hooters into their underwired bra to promote optimum visibility, how I tested my breath against my hand and quickly exercised my firm handshake and greeting to follow…..

I feel the heat flushing my face……..

all in all – I MADE THE SALE I LANDED  THE ACCOUNT……

Ok so if it’s at all possible that yours are actually worst than mine???? Please share with us……I’d certainly LOVE to hear about it…..