Archive for the ‘sex’ Category

Ok so this post has a PARENTAL GUIDANCE (or maybe rather not) but it surely covers all the SNLV there is to blog about I’m sure so let me start of with a very serious warning – IF YOU KNOW me well (or think you do) OR your My BOSS or YOUR RELATED to me… STOP reading now !! Go make some tea and read the Huisgenoot! Because reading this MIGHT change our facebook relationship status I’m SURE…

Ok I warned you haven’t I? ….

Ok so let’s do this kids… 🙂 I have recently came to the acquaintance to the naked shaved penis!! I know some of you are going “huh?” and some maybe “shame” …. But I’m an afikaanse boere chick and we usually take our boerewors the way we get it ok?? No complaints! We just shut up and take it ok? But it wasn’t until recently that I came to meet (pardon the pun) the more “efficient” version of this tool…ok so I’ve upgraded! 😉 Listen so there’s evidently a huge difference between being f#cked and being F#CKED into oblivion….

If you haven’t tried this before please take my word for it, and DO TRY THIS AT HOME (evil grin) – but try it this way…
Step 1:Both you and you’re partner shave it, wax it, plug it but get those AREAS sorted! Make it soft like a baby’s bottom…
Step2: don’t shag!!! Yet….
Step3: wait for it……
Step4: ok soo when those tiny little hairs start growing back and its that thick hard prickly sticky hairs start scratching those tail feathers???
THEN you DO it wham bam thankyou, thank YOU noooo thank YOU!! M-A-M!!!

Ok don’t judge it until you’ve tried it Dildo!!

Yes dearies you can thank me later, but be prepared! It’s ROUGH!!

And there you have it….
“f#cked into oblivion” !!

PS: Oh yes, this isn’t directed at sensitive readers..

Love you kids!!

Diet…. See its such a complex and delicate topic that before even starting to share my thoughts with you ….I just have to do a quick pit stop in the kitchen and grab that packet of Lays chips calling for me. (No judging ok?) So yes they clearly indicate the amounts of kilojoules and calories and fat content per packet goodness they go on and on to milli fat percentages in the crumbs left in packet! But naaaaahhh they never list the good stuff? For instance: Goof Stuff about chips is how while you write and eat chips its been clinically proven on some bubblegum wrapper to enhance creativity and boost grammatical abilities almost instantly!(nom-nom) I reckon the most fatty fats only hit my butt the next day anyway? Fatties are mos slow….. And by then I’ve climbed the stairs twice anyway… See…?? I see the packet of chips “half-full”!!!
Ok Ok …. I know somewhere a gymbunny or nutritionist reading my blog is practically having some coronary attack (isn’t it ironic?), I would just like to advise everyone to not try this at home. This is my humble opinion which probably don’t mean anything to them.. or anyone…But it’s my blog and I’ll write what I want to!

So lets just get on the same page here….I’m not saying eat untill they have to lift you with a crane? But why feel punished everyday? Just knowing your on a diet is alone standing such a small word but it will make a grown man cry lemme tell you that! I mean from out of the blocks you hit a depro smack down in the middle… and then when you’re SOOOOO excited you go divide your broccli and chickens into tiny little ziplock bags. Then… yes THEN only do I even start to remotely try to get my ass off the couch from drooling over a perfectly episode of Vampire Diaries.. to go wobble my little dribbly bits right in front of a boy who could have easily been playing Damon in Vampire Diaries and probably the world’s sexiest MILF in her perfectly fitted designer fitness outfit, fully glamorous and not ONE drop of perspiration on her entire body!!! I mean WHAT THE &%#@!!!!!
How in the world will I WANT to do that to myself 5 days a week??? (yes 5 days, I have limits!).

Here we go I’m just gonna come out with it: (serious deep throat cleansing happening now…ghe-uhm)
Hi……….. my name is Jeanette (insert a friendly “Hi Jeanette” greeting here).. and I like to eat WHAT I want WHEN I want. I happen to want to eat broccoli! 😀 hehehe
I reckon BALANCE is the only word to really try (its late, I understand) to try to remember from this blog post..
B-A-L-A-N-C-E — BHA-BA-BLACK-SHEEP.. (Now I’ve lost you again right?) I’m trying to say I don’t sit still and watch my ass grow? There’s allot better things, and “fun” things you can do that won’t even feel like excercise….??? (evil grin) Please refer to my tjommie’s contact detailsdown below (pardon the pun) for awesome “weights” and “cardio-tools” for AWESOME workouts!!!! You can thank me later!

See I’m a Rep on the Road (huh I’m a poet and I don’t even know it?) 😀 Actually now that I think about it, that would make a great country song: “I’m a rep on the long and winding road” Yes just thank your lucky stars you’re not here to listen to me sing it …..So back to my day job, most of the day we’re hardly in one position longer than 30minutes (no not THOSE positions).
We walk,run,climb,beg,kneel (see there I go again) our way through the day… The tips of my heel’s don’t get to see the end of the week my friend!
I wonder how many steps we give in a day? 24 days, 9 hours a day……I mean take that stepmaster! Suck on that you sexy bloke on that bike in the little glass room that goes nowhere…. On top of that we could easily substitute as one of those taxi’s in Mozambique (no i WASN’T about to say OVERWEIGHT !! “tht”) I mean we’re like back and forth “o grieve Im honestly not doing this on purpose” hehehe from your office to the customer. You grab the laptop, handbag (as good as any weights) the coolbox with the 12 apples and 4 bottles iced water? Heavy as hell. Oh and then the customers files… Its crazy…it’s excersice camouflaged in a commission slip!!! How clever is that????

Yes so the excercise gets done someway ok? and I don’t see those options to choose from in the online vitality health review??? Oh nooooo I’m 69 years old according to them because I don’t go to the “Virgin” club…..

Then I’d also like to hereby solemnly swear that I will NEVER…EVER… substitute my Bigmac for a chicken salad !!!!
I WILL not substitute my glass of red wine for water !!!!! (I hear some strong supporters in the crowd) and
I WILL finally fall down on the couch after a crappy day and perv over Damon!
See I can read minds, I know you might wonder why??? Do you want to know why????? (gimme an air punch)
……BEEEEEECAAAAAAUSE……..
A glass of water does NOT make me happy or sexy (depending on what side of the glass you are) after the 3rd glass!!!
nor
does it make me sleep like a little baby? NO water makes me pee right thru the night and after my 2litres per day I feel like a Willy Walter the Wobbly tank!!
Another thing: (I’m on a rollnow, not physicalyy rolling.. no :))
I do not feel healthier when I start exercising.. I feel like crap!! Sweaty,your legs wobble, you smell terrible and my entire face is blood-red!! Who started with that line?? Then the next day after an “amazing” workout yesterday the three sets of stairs I have to climb at work around 7 times a day is TORTURE on my already sore jello legs!
Sometime’s.. only SOMEtimes I will go for a run out in my not so lovely neighbourhood….only cause I know I HAVE to get back home…:D and then when I come back red-faced and on the verge of an asthma attack, yes then I do drink a whole bottle of cold water and not my usual glass of dry red wine…(Blah blah) Ok enough pep talk for one night…. for the under achievers I know its late and almost Friday so don’t worry this is a below average class and I’m just going to get on with it….
MAKE IT FUN, NAUGHTY, NICE, PROFITABLE EVEN… disguise the living shit out of it because if you don’t know it’s a DIET or EXCERCISE you can’t hate it!!!!!!!

Huh? huh? Not only a pretty face ne? I have a few extra brain cells lying around…. on the couch… perving…
Ok that’s all for now, class dismissed! If it’s quite alright with all of you I’ll go suck on lettuce leaf now ……

Ok Damon, you can stay behind for detention!

oh yes before I forget… drumroll…NOW FOR YOUR ONE STOP NAUGHTY BUT NICE VIRGIN EXCERCISE SHOP! Kindly Email Sam at pureromancebysam@gmail.co.za or 084 885 3725.. and if you call NOW??????? 😀 For any and all sorts of exercise “tools” you require. You name it ! She’ll help you.. no no assist wherever she can.. agh bullocks… you can order anything from her! K?
(brochure to follow soon, she’s currently drinking in a bar ok?)

Ok so the latest buzzz/hype/craze slash what the f@ck ever they call it…. is NOT a rumour…… ITS GLORIOUS …
In all its 50 shades of grey…..
If you havent read it, I STRONGLY advise you to do so and sooner than f@cking later alright????

For the more “experienced” .. that is ….readers amongst us…. we all have in our own twisted minds THA visual of OUR Christian Grey and Anastasia Steele (those unfortunate people who HAVENT read the books yet, we’re not exactly referring to Peter Pan and Tinkerbell here) So what I need you’re help with is…… (insert drumroll here…) you’re opinions as to which actors you think should play Christian & Ana in the movie :50 Shades of Grey!!
Down under….. (pardon the evil pun) you’ll see some suggestions… please poleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeezzzzze go and vote!!!!!!!

Ok for our glorious stunning evil wicked naughty dominant Christian Grey we have in no particular order….. :

1) IAN SOMERHALDER (Damon in Vampire Diaries)

2) ALEXANDER SKARSGARD (Eric in True Blood)

3) COLIN EGGLESFIELD

4) HUGH JACKMAN (Wolverine)

5) ROBERT PATTINSON (Edward in Twilight)

6) TOM WELLING (Smallville)

7) CHRIS HEMSWORTH (Thor)

OK SO LEMME SEE WHAT YOU THINK:

AND FOR OUR INNOCENT SUCCULENT JUICY MISS ANA STEELE I PRESENT TO YOU:

1) KATE HOLMES (Dawsons Creek)

2) MILA KUNIS (That 70’s Show)

3) LILY COLLINS (Mirror Mirror)

4) NINA DOBREV (Vampire Diaries)

5) LEIGHTON MEESTER (Gossip Girl)

and….. votes for our Ana???